bottoms up

Some of you have been inquiring after my weight-loss progress.
If any.
Ja, thanks a lot.

Well, here goes. I made a flying start, lost 3 pounds in two days and thought, this is great, it's going to take me 10 days tops.
However, after that it turned out to be a bit like dancing: 2 steps forward, 1 back, 1 forward, 1 sideways, 1 back, etc..
Hmm.
Anyway, I completed the 11 day course, stuck to it religiously, and am now in the 3 day free zone where you can eat whatever you like.

I have been carefully planning these days, dreaming of buttery asparagus, delicately cured ham and new baby potatoes sprinkled with fresh parsley, a visit to the best pizzeria in Amsterdam, or any really, the delights of sukiyaki and saké - anything with alcohol, truth be told.
But I would start off with hazelnootschuim gebak, a creamy hazelnut meringue.
I've just been dragging Shep from one patisserie to the next, in search of the perfect pastry and it wasn't there. Well, maybe it was, but the sight of all those delicacies was daunting instead of inviting, wolves in sheep's clothing, alluring but potentially dangerous, deviously beautiful sweet works of art - eat one of those and you'll be back where you started.
That's not what the diet-people say though, they say: go ahead, indulge for 3 days, it will confuse your metabolism.
What about my mind? It is utterly confused now and after pushing round some cornflakes I feel like I've just devoured a 5 course meal.
Is this some psychological diet-trick or am I being paranoia?
At the end of the day, eleven days that is, I lost 5 pounds. I think I deserved to lose more but I know if it goes any faster I will end up looking like a dripping candle.
Believe me, I have seen this happen before.
Hearty, sturdy friends transforming into peaky, odd-shaped people you hardly recognize.
Never felt better, they say, but you secretly think, you looked a damn sight better when you were fat.
Still, I want this thing done though it definitely doesn't agree with me. It goes against the grain, but I want to run up the hills, jump across the streams, light and easy, like a springbok.
Ach, I just want to show my silly sisters - they think I'm the weakest link - I am as good as the next.
I am determined to conquer the stupid Hadrian's Wall, and if this is what it takes, then so be it.

But on a more serious note, I am worried about my bum.
In training, I briskly walk round the Vondel park, a good 4 kilometres, every day. Yesterday I sat down on a hard surface to tie my shoelace and it felt like I was sitting directly on my bones. I actually jumped up and felt my behind. It was still there but soft and squishy whereas my calves looked as if they were ready to explode. What the fuck.......And another thing, my bras have become slack, they slip and slide along with the movements of my arms, under-wired, they chaff my skin.
Seems like a high price to pay for shedding a few pounds.
Instead of gaining confidence it looks like I am losing my assets.

Well, I've got 3 hedonistic days to go before deciding whether or not to continue this ambiguous adventure.
For now, I think I'll just skip the cake and head straight for the whiskey.

Cheers, here's to funny diets, and pray, bottoms up!